Dirty Little Secret #6

Dirty Little Secret #6- I hold double standards.  These aren't against other people but rather against myself.  I have no problem letting other people stop when they've reached their breaking point, but I can't give myself that luxary.  I just feel like if  I don't accomplish what I'm trying to do, that I'm a failure.  Failure is something I refuse to tolerate.

I understand this can cause a lot of damage, I've experienced it for myself.  For example, when trauma survivors enter therapy, they start off in the "emergency stage.  Basically this is the stage that most survivors are likely to give up on or commit suicide.  Basically the emergency stage involves thinking back to the things you don't let yourself remember.  You go back to the moments you do remember and you remember how you felt whether it was helpless, hopeless, scared, sad, whatever the emotion is.  By going back and remembering that, it causes a switch to flip and you will remember something else.  However this process isn't like a gate where you can shut the gate and stop the memories after you've had enough.  It's more like a bursting dam, there's no "quick fix".  You basically get flooded with all these memories and the emotions that come along with it.  During the emergency stage we are told not to push ourselves, keep friends, family, and other support systems close, not to spend excessive time alone, etc., because it is a dangerous place to be in.  When I entered the emergency stage, I was given a self-help book and warned not to push it too far.  I might only be able to get through a page a day, or maybe a chapter a month.  Basically I was warned that progress would be slow and that it was ok to not have a pattern of working, or finish what I started.  Being the stubborn person I am, I refused to accept that.  To me, doing less then at least one chapter a day was failure.  So I pushed.  I pushed through the tough things, reflected on the emotions that were flooding my mind, and instead of giving myself the chance to recover before doing it again, I pushed to get more done.  That's what caused the December 2010 relapse of cutting that I mentioned in yesterday's dirty little secret blog.  I was alone in my room, my friend didn't answer her phone, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't breathe, it wasn't a good place to be in and I turned to an old habit.

That's where I get into trouble. I refused to stop because I saw quitting as failure.  So many examples I have of this awful habit.  I've quite literally done myself physical harm because my body was stop you've had enough, and my mind was saying one more lap, one more routine, I can make it.  I hold myself accountable for things that I wouldn't expect others to.  For example, I firmly believe that what happened with the past sexual abuse was mostly my fault.  I look back and I see all the things I could've and should've done, and wonder how it could've ended differently.  However, if someone came up to me and told them my exact story with them in my place, I would be the first to say it wasn't their fault and start listing the reasons.  I would also 100% believe that it wasn't their fault, but I can't do that for myself.  I can't admit that I was naive or weak or innocent or any other excuse, because I don't believe it.

I've kept this a secret because it's hard to explain.  I know there's a saying that basically says I'm my own worst enemy/hardest critic but that doesn't make it any easier.  Secondly, I'm tired of people telling me that I'm in the wrong.  I understand that's a bad way to act, however, I don't see how to change it, how to allow myself that weakness, and until I do I won't be able to change it.