Dirty Little Secret #3

This post is a little behind and I apologize, things have been kind of crazy!  Moving on...

Dirty Little Secret #3- I am terrified of the dark.  Not to say I'm afraid of closing my eyes, or hiding in a closet to scare my brothers.  I guess the more accurate secret is that I'm afraid of the things in dark.  I've been afraid of the dark ever since I was a little girl.  Fearing the dark is a normal childhood thing, and children grow out of it... unless you are like me... then you are nineteen and still afraid to stay home alone by yourself at night.  Being the only one in the house overnight as a teenager is a dream come true for most teens.  For me it's nothing short of torture.  I have honestly never stayed the night in my house by myself.  When my mother goes out I usually end up locked in my room with the dog and a butcher knife, panicking at every little noise.  It's kind of tiring.  It's also annoying to have to find somewhere else to stay if no one is going to be home.  Obviously the most reasonable answer is to "just get over it".  Believe me I've tried.  However, it's not quite that simple.  I can rationalize the fear all I want, I'm still afraid.  I can tell myself that the noises I hear are tree branches, or the house settling around me.  While I desperately want to believe that I just can't.  What's kind of funny is that this isn't an all or nothing type of fear.  What I mean is I'm not always so afraid to be alone at night.  Example, I go to school a few hours away from where I live.  I have no problem being alone on campus at night (which is odd because all things considered my house is in a better neighborhood then my school).  I actually didn't get along with my roommate so well and quite enjoyed the few nights that she wasn't in the room.  Maybe that's because the door was always locked, and there was only one entry.  Maybe the fact that if something did happen, I could scream and the people on either side, above, or below me would be able to hear it, and surely one of them would investigate.  Maybe there's many factors, I'm not sure.

So why I've kept this a secret... mostly, it's embarrassing to admit that in less then a year I'm going to be twenty and I'm still afraid of the dark.  After that comes the ridicule I already get for it.  My mother is notorious for pointing out all the reasons that I'm screwed when I move out because I can't stay alone at night, on and on and on.  Maybe, eventually I will "grow" out of this too!