Dirty Little Secret #4- I am a cutter. Four little words, a fragment of a sentence, and such a negative stigma associated with it. I view cutting like alcoholism and cheating, once an abuser, always an abuser. I will always be, in my mind, a cutter. Even as I'm about to celebrate 6 months from the last cut, I am a cutter, always. Cutting is a dangerous thing. As someone once told me, "Cutting is dangerous not because it doesn't work, but because it does". That's a very accurate statement. There's something about watching blood well up and drip from a cut. It's a way of proving that you're alive. So when you can't feel anything, when the world is spinning too fast and you're falling off the edge, it's a way to prove that you are alive. It's also something that can be controlled. "I made myself bleed, I could make it stop, I could make it bleed faster..." on and on. For me it was an escape. My whole life I've been expected to deal with more then someone my age should. I'm a mother of two at nineteen, not because I got knocked up, but because their mother is too busy trying to keep the roof over our heads. They've called me 'mommy' since I was eight. In all aspects, they are my children. That's just one of the many things I was trying to balance at that point. I also had a burden of perfection placed on me. When the children didn't behave, when the house wasn't clean, when my grades weren't as high as they could've been, I was taken down verbally, again and again. Reminded that I was worthless, that I'd never amount to anything, that I was a spoiled rotten brat. I strove to be perfect, and I'd always fail. Cutting was the one imperfection I allowed myself. It was the one thing that I allowed myself to do wrong. More then that, I was exhausted. I was so tired of everything, school, family, kids, job, pets, everything. I was tired, and I was ready to give up. I stopped caring, literally shut down all emotion. Then I couldn't turn them back on. I so desperately wanted to cry. I just felt like if I could cry, everything would be ok. If I could cry, I would feel better because I wouldn't be this dead person anymore, and maybe someone would notice.
I couldn't cry. So finally one day I thought, "Nothing could hurt more then this.". Now I have a confession inside this secret: I'm a wimp. I have such a low pain tolerance that I can feel pain from an ear infection before it can even be diagnosed (yes I'm aware of how pitiful that is). That's why no one was ever concerned about me being a cutter, why no one would believe it if I told them now, even if I showed them the scars. However, it didn't hurt. There were a few moments of pain, to be sure, but after that, the effect of just watching something spill out of my body and realizing I could only do that if I were alive, was so calming. With every cut I made I felt a little better. An hour later, I was smiling for the first time in weeks. Granted my thigh was crimson, and I was concerned about getting caught, but even that didn't damper the relief I felt. If you've ever heard the saying, "The first cut is the hardest", it's also true. After that first cut you no longer fear that physical pain, and if you don't get caught, you don't fear getting caught. So from then on, every time the tiniest little thing went wrong, I made a new cut, or a new series of cuts.
I spent 8 months as an active cutter. I quit cold turkey in June of 2009, but relapsed in August 2009, May 2010, and December 2010. It will be six months since my last episode on Tuesday, and I'm determined to make it this time. I kept this a secret because of the negativity society has towards it. People find out that you are a cutter and it doesn't matter how long it's been since they've last cut they are a bad person. I can't even list the times I've been called "emo" or "Satan's Spawn" because of it (and not many people know).
**For current cutters- Please get help. Trust me it's not worth it, I know it seems like it is right now, but in the long run it isn't. Something I found helpful was an organization called "To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA)". They are a cutting support group, and have forums and chats and all kind of resources that can be utilized when that urge comes.
**For those considering cutting- Please don't make that first cut. It is super easy to get sucked into a downward spiral. Call a trusted friend or family member, or even check out TWLOHA, they have resources to help those considering cutting.
**For those who are friends of cutters- Don't try to shame your friend. Don't point out that's wrong, or bad, they need support not torn down. Offer your support as much as you can and encourage them to seek help. TWLOHA also has resources for the friends of cutters, ways to be supportive, how to start conversations, etc. It's worth checking out.
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