Dirty Little Secret #5

Dirty Little Secret #5- Loneliness is my worst enemy.  I hate being alone.  Now I'm not saying that I dislike having an hour to myself to do what I wish, but rather the emotional disconnect from others.  Like when everyone around you has plans and you're staying home because you don't.  Or when you have something that's eating at you and you desperately need to tell someone, to let it out, and you can't because that would bother them.

I've spent so much of my life not fitting into social norms.  I never hung out with girls my age because I didn't fit.  They were talking about cute guys and hair, and I was planning out family menus and changing diapers.  I couldn't really hang out with adults because I was a "little girl".  So I never really had someone that I could relate to, another person who was physically 14 but mentally 30.  So I spent most of my teenage years trying to convince myself that hair and nail are important (I still fail to see the reason for the amount of emphasis put on such insignificant things, but that's just me).  I never really connected on an emotional level with someone, so I always felt alone.  Even in a crowd of people, I'd feel all alone as I'd look around at the little groups people made.  I'd often wonder what would happened if I screamed in the middle of a crowded room.  Would anyone notice or care?

So I spend most of my time finding ways to not be alone.  I sit in my dorm with the door open so that I can see the people walking past, and I don't feel so alone.  I throw myself into everything, meeting as many people as I can so that maybe one of them will talk to me after the event is over.  I'm on facebook and email almost every waking moment so that I'm always available to people because I don't want to be alone.

I've kept this secret just because it's odd.  More then being odd, a lot times people wonder if I'm an attention-whore or whatever.  I'm not, I just like being close to people.  So I just toss it aside and throw myself into whatever I hear about as a social opportunity.