Dirty Little Secret #7

Dirty Little Secret #7- I'm not sure I deserve to be happy.  I know that sounds like an attention whore thing to say, a trick to get someone to roll their eyes and say "Of course you deserve to be happy, everyone does", but on my honor it's not. 

I'm the girl that when asked if I deserve to be happy will put on a bright smile and say, "Why everyone deserves to be happy!" as I cross my fingers behind my back.  I want everyone to be happy, I do everything in my power to ensure others happiness, but I feel like I've done too many bad things to deserve happiness.  I used to argue with myself about it, still do sometimes.  I'd list all the things that would make me happy: a loving boyfriend/husband, a house that was more then just a shelter, a close relationship with my parents, children, etc., then I'd point out all the reasons why I didn't deserve it.  I didn't deserve a husband because I wasn't a virgin anymore, and who would want me with the baggage I come with anyway?  I didn't deserve a house because i so desperatly wanted out of my own.  I'd never be close to my parents because there's so much hurt there, I was a mistake anyway, why would I torture them with that mistake everytime I came around.  I didn't deserve children because I'd already failed at raising the ones was I already given.  Long story short I didn't deserve to be happy.

This is something that I still argue with all the time.  I think the other part of this secret is that I'm scared to be happy.  Everytime I was so unexplainably happy, something bad would happen to bring me back to reality.  So I live life enjoying the moment, but being afraid to see what will happen to balance out any happiness that I feel.  I am starting to see that maybe I deserve to be happy, maybe there's a good future out there for me.  I have found a guy who is so impossibly sweet, who not only accepts the baggage that comes with me, but also met me halfway and helps me carry it.  He keeps saying how much I've impacted his life, and I'm not sure he realizes how much he has impacted mine as well.  So I guess this is kind of a lukewarm secret, but it's a secret none the less!