That got your attention didn't it? Well, as the title points out, I'm not pregnant, just fat. That's not the remarkable thing. The remarkable thing? For one of the first times ever, I am wholly, WONDERFULLY, ok with that.
Like many others, I have looked at myself after a shower and created a mental list of everything wrong/disgusting about my body. My face is round, my arms are flabby, my tummy jiggles, my thighs touch, my calves are large, on and on. More than the fat, there were the stretch marks. The wonderful little jagged purple lines that say, "Hey, look here! You got bigger and we can prove it! Look at us!". Those marks eventually fade into a white color, but never completely fade. As I looked at myself and my body in the mirror, I thought about all the bodies I see throughout the day. The tiny celebrities on the cover of magazines, the athletes that are EVERYWHERE in a tiny town, and the actresses on my favorite television programs. Yeah, I don't look like that, not even the smallest little bit.
In addition, I also went through middle school. Being a fat student in a farming school and one who cried easily at that wasn't easy. More than once people asked when my baby was due, or how far along I was. All I could do was turn away so they wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. I was also referred to as The Whale (yep I was awesome enough to be THE whale, not A whale), but for some reason, it was the pregnancy comments that hurt the most. Maybe because I was afraid people wouldn't know I wasn't pregnant and would think I was a slut, but I digress.
So instead of taking the route of someone with high self-esteem and assuring myself that I was beautiful inside and out, I took the more common low self-esteem route, hatred. I hated my tummy, the stretch marks, the round face, all of it. I looked in the mirror and saw something that was all around disgusting. Then I let that color everything around me. I wore baggy clothing because no one wanted to see my body, I didn't bother trying to look nice because nothing I did would take the emphasis away from my fat, and I didn't go to the gym so that no one had to be subjected to seeing me wear shorts.
However, a few days ago I discovered an awesome new blog: The Militant Baker (www.themilitantbaker.com). Written by a wonderfully adorable self proclaimed "fat chick", it's a great self-esteem boost for girls of all sizes. The focus of the blog is body acceptance of all kinds, be it rail thin or more than a little larger than that. After reading a few posts, I realized, I'm fat but I'm also me. My weight doesn't change that. The number on my scale doesn't change my bubbly personality, nor does it affect my intelligence. It just is, much in the way my hair is currently black and my current favorite actor is Robert Downey Jr.
Once you see it that, it's easy to start seeing things you love about yourself. For example, I love that when I pull my hair back, I get these perfectly formed cork-screw curls that frame my face. I love that my eyes change color with what I'm wearing and get darker or lighter depending on my mood. I love the curve of my hips, the perfect place to rest my hands, I love the length in my legs, how my calves look awesome in shorts and heels. Once you start seeing all the things you love about yourself, the jump to loving yourself isn't that far. Actually it's not even a jump, more of a moderate step.
Once you find a way to love yourself? Honey, you're unstoppable! Suddenly most negative comments won't hurt so much and clothes will cease to be a never ending torment. Why? Because it doesn't matter. You would be amazed at the difference a little bit of self-love and confidence can make in your overall appearance and even your mood.
So now? Now my appearance isn't the driving factor in my life. My happiness is, followed by my overall general health. Now the things I'm choosing to do are because I want to, not because I feel I have to, and boy, does that make ALL the difference! Suddenly, exercising isn't a chore because I love biking and hiking through the woods, and I'm not forcing myself to do it because I have to lose weight to be happy and attractive.
So in summary, I'm 22 years old, and I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat.
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